Tampons
by Feli-chan and Meep
Summary: "Seeing as how we are both male, Fullmetal, I didn't see the need in buying tampons. So, forgive me, but there are none." RoyEd. The prequel to "Midol".


**Meep: Hey, all! it's Meep!**

 **Feli: And Feli!**

 **Meep: So, this is the RP that you've all been waiting for (lol) that was the inspiration and prequel to "Midol".**

 **Feli: We wrote this in eleventh grade!**

 **Meep: Which was...**

 **Feli: 5 years ago...Shit, time flies.**

 **Meep: Shit, indeed. Well, hope you enjoy! Let us know what you think in the comments!**

* * *

"Roy! Where are the tampons?" Edward shouted down the hall.

Roy looked up from his book and cast a quizzical look toward where the sound had come from. "The what?"

"Tampons, dumbass! Where are they?"

Roy smirked but otherwise ignored the insult and returned his attentions to his book, deciding to play along. "Whatever do you need those for, darling?"

"Well, I err..." Edward trailed off for a moment, before saying quickly, "I'm horny, damn it! And I wanted you to fuck me, but now that we don't have the tampons -or rather, you're being an ass and not telling me where they are- we can't!" After a moment he frowned to himself, blushing, before adding, "Don't call me darling!"

Roy frowned, genuinely confused now, and took off his glasses and gently set them and his book on the coffee table in front of him. He walked down the hall, following the sound of Edward's voice until he stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching as the teen rummaged through the drawers under the sink.

"Seeing as how we are both male, Fullmetal, I didn't see the need in buying tampons. So, forgive me, but there are none... Would you mind explaining to me why we suddenly need them to have sex?"

"For protection! Duh! I thought you'd been with enough girls to at least use protec-" Ed paused and glared up at Roy. "If you have any diseases 'cause you didn't use a tampon, I'm gonna kill you."

"…You mean a _condom_ ," Roy corrected. Or at least he hoped to god that was what Edward meant.

"Psh, no! Winry said that you're supposed to use tampons! Geez, Roy. Condoms are those things girls use when they're...ya know..." Edward blushed a little and shook his head. "Tampons are what we're supposed to use."

Roy bit his lip and laid a hand over his eyes, shaking with silent laughter. "No, it's definitely the other way around," he chuckled, "trust me."

Edward crossed his arms over his chest as he stood up. "Prove it then!"

~Twenty minutes later, in the bedroom~

"And _that,_ " Roy said with a final note to his voice, "is why using a tampon in place of a condom –or vice-versa- would not be a wise choice." He raised his eyebrows and looked down at Ed. "Understood?"

"Uh, yeah I guess that makes since…But why do you have this blow-up doll?" Edward gestured to the object warily. Roy had taken the doll out of his closet to show him the uses for both condoms and tampons.

Roy coughed into his hand, a light flush forming on the apex of his cheekbones. "Oh, that. Yes, well…." He cleared his throat. "You see, Fullmetal, when a man loves…Er, when it's late at night and…" he tried again. "Well, nowadays it's really not all that unusual for….The fact of the matter is, it isn't even mine!" he said, folding his arms over his chest and daring Ed to call him a liar.

"Then why would you have it in the back of your closet?" Edward asked as he cocked his head to the side, staring at the busty doll. A moment later his eyes snapped up to stare at Roy and his eyes glistened as large tears rolled down his cheeks. "You're cheating on me with _that_! How could you?"

"No, ah- Oh, Edward, don't cry." Roy reached out to him, only to have his hand brushed away. Never had he known Edward to be so easily moved to tears. He fumbled for something to say to makes things better. "I'm just hanging onto it for..." he said the first name that came to mind and then instantly regretted it. "...Lieutenant Hawkeye." He winced, but noted that this response had at least given Ed pause.

Edward sniffled and rubbed his eyes. Looking up at Roy he frowned, confused.

"Hawkeye's a lesbian?" Ed hummed thoughtfully. "Damn, poor Havoc. He's been barking up the wrong tree for a while, then." He frowned again at Roy and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why haven't you told him? That's just cruel to make him think Hawkeye'll take interest in him!"

Roy sighed and turned over his shoulder to give the doorframe a piteous look. Could he do no right by this boy? "Yes, well, that's really none of my business," he said. "I'll leave that to Human Resources."

"But, Roy! It's just not fair and-" Edward paused again, not noticing the slight wince on Roy's face. He walked closer to the blow-up doll, inspecting it while keeping a good distance from it. He leaned over it on his tip toes and ducked his head and tilted it left and right. Turning back to his lover, he asked, "How can Hawkeye use this? This looks to be more…Male friendly…"

"Yes, well, be that as it may, I'm sure she manages." Roy cleared his throat and put both of his hands on Edward's shoulders, looking into his eyes and hoping to distract him (as well as himself from that hideous image he had just painted for the both of them). "Now, enough about her, let's concentrate on us. I don't suppose you still want to spend some time together?" He put emphasis on the final part of his sentence and leaned in to nuzzle Ed's neck. "I do have some _condoms_ in the medicine cabinet if you're still up to it."

"Mmhn," Ed tilted his neck in response and smiled as his mental picture disappeared. Wrapping his arms around Roy's waist, he nodded; and he could feel the soft, warm sparks of arousal beginning to ignite in him. "Yeah, that'd be nice," Ed murmured, completely forgetting about their previous conversations and the doll that was still on the floor.

Roy smiled and let out a soft hum of approval as he moved away from Ed's neck to press his lips against his. He wrapped his arms around Ed and pulled his closer into him, smirking at the growing hardness he felt pressing against his leg. He was just starting to pull Ed with him as he stumbled backward toward their bed when he heard a loud, deep pop from somewhere on the ground.

Edward jumped into Roy and tightened his grip around his waist at the loud noise. He looked down and his eyes grew wide. Underneath his automail foot, was the blow-up doll. The foot had popped it and it lay deflated and rather scary looking on the floor.

"Shit," he whispered hoarsely, "Hawkeye's gonna kill us!"

Roy's eyes widened and he immediately released Ed and knelt down on the ground. He hurriedly worked what remained of the doll from where it had caught on the joint in Ed's instep before cradling the mangled heap of vinyl in his arms.

"Noooo! Marie!" He cried as though mourning a lost lover, "Ed, you _murdered_ her! How -uh..." He suddenly looked up to see Ed glaring down at him and realized how he must have looked then. "I mean..." He got to his feet and dusted himself off, leaving the doll on the carpet.

" _Hawkeye's_ going to murder us. You. Yeah." Whew, he had almost given himself away for a moment there.

Edward wasn't sure what to think at that moment, and instead he just continued to glare. He couldn't help but feel both hurt and insulted by the way Roy had reacted.

"Marie? Just how would you know the name of _Hawkeye's_ doll?" He narrowed his eyes further, and tapped his automail near the doll, watching as Roy moved it away from him.

"Ah, er..." Roy slowly began backing away from him out the open door. "Dammit, Ed, it's not cheating! It's -uh- ...I don't get angry with _you_ when you jerk off!"

"That's cause I jerk off thinking about you, and not with my dick some plastic boobed balloon!" Edward waved his arms around. "So this means that every time you're not in the mood, it's cause you've been fucking that thing?" Edward pointed at the doll in Roy's arms. At the sheepish look on Roy's face, Ed scoffed and turned around. "Well, I'm going to go to the bathroom and for once _not_ think about you. And you can take care of the doll, _and_ once I'm done I'll call Hawkeye and tell her how sorry I am that I popped her doll," Edward then turned on his heel and started for the door.

"Ah, Edward, no!" Roy wailed, reaching for Ed as he brushed past him. "I was just joking about the whole Hawkeye thing! Edward, ple-" But he hadn't even finished his sentence when he heard the bathroom door shut and lock. Roy blinked. Ed _never_ locked the door.

Ohh, he was in deep trouble. Visions of dodging bullets and sleeping on the couch filled his mind.


End file.
